I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Oops I deleted….
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star