I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
congratulations to them
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.