Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!