I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
what’s really going on
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog