I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
“How’s your day going?”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*