I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Knock Knock
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Breaking news:
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]