I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*