I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
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Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
bout dat hot dog summer
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.