@_TeaChap: I went on a date last night!nIt went really well...up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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@Reverend_Scott: [landlord walks in apartment] "I told you no pets!" That's a stray gerbil. "And those fish??" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
@kwirkyKerri: Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
@Soren_Ltd: Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don't get off.
@JaneBadall: When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.