*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya