I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
#dnd #ttrpg
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed