I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail