[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
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Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance