I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.