@LaurenRP: I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
@TheMichaelRock: If Daryl doesn't get laid this season, I'm gonna have to say that this documentary is fake. #TheWalkingDead
@TheRealRHB: I'm not saying I've let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I've caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory