@LaurenRP: I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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@SamuelHLowe: -Why didn't you answer your home phone? -Because I'm walking the dog. Don't you trust me? -Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.
@Scimommy: 90% of parenting older kids is making sure they're not in the same room when they have to do homework.
@NintenDom: My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
@PorkUrPine: WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough