I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.