I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I came this close!!!!
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole