I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
You Might Also Like
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
pep talk
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.