Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Haha good job!!
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.