Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You Might Also Like
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.