@causticbob: I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar
@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
@noogscorner: Pick something up. You just applied more force on that object than the gravity of an entire planet. Earth, do you even lift?