I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us