I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.