My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
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There’s only one good girl here!
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam