The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
You Might Also Like
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Sticker placement is key.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
That’s what I call a flat tire
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot