[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
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I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Oh. My. God.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Breaking news:
SF is the wild wild west man
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️