I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
#TopTip
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.