I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
what my late-night hot pocket sees
LMAO
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.