I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I feel attacked.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION