Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Cool shirt 🙂
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh