I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Doormats are a gateway rug.