@shegotagronk: I went to church today just to thank God I'm not Miley Cyrus.
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@stacieooooo: You'd think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
@therealeatwood: “Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” — linguists, supposably
@RidiculousSheri: My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I'm the racecar, sometimes I'm the iron. But usually I'm a peanut because I've lost all the game pieces.