@shegotagronk: I went to church today just to thank God I'm not Miley Cyrus.
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@AimeeHelene1: Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*
@Dutch_50: Hey, I'm human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"