I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
choose your fighter
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy