I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it