I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Intelligence is the new cleavage
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*pronounces fake like saké*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.