I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
man: wait
time: no
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat