@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
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@markleggett: The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.
@wife3kidsnodogs: How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour, but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
@thepatrickwalsh: Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word "hotshot."