@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
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@Dutch_50: Ask someone how they're doing & they'll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
@Brianhopecomedy: *grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"
@OfficialMizGin: Him: Why do you wear riding boots? You don’t ride horses. Me: Why do you wear sneakers? You don’t sneak.