@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Who ate all the cookies? 5-year-old: Ninjas. Me: I didn’t see them. 5-year-old: No one ever does. Checkmate.
@SaraThomas84: It's all fun and games until you're sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework
@nowme_datta: How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.