*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early