I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
sliding into dms like
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Just grow your own
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?