I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
How it started How it’s going
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it