I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
“Why you watching this shit?”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home