I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
dogs can find happiness so easily
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.