Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
What the dentist sees
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?