@Chumpstring: ME: i don't trust salesmen SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR ME: oh shit where SALESMAN: right over here isn't she a beaut

@Browtweaten: *God invents corgis* God: what ingredients do we have left Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet God: lol check this out

@MooseAllain: Always the barmaid, never the bar.

@Try2StopME: Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

@pro_failure: I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."