I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
channeling her this year
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I’m having an out of money experience.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!