I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
drew a comic about my origin story
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
good let them take over I have had enough
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.