@david8hughes: I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
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@BeardSpice: [God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?
@TheAlexNevil: Going to a friend's surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I'll act surprised anyway.
@LionJenkins: Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot! Me winking and leaning on the stove: You're Hot, Baby. 911: What's your emergency?
@PimpleEye: It's not that I don't like drinking, it's just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I'm sober.