“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.