I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad