I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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The Friday File.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.