@lovemydogduck: I will be tweeting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
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@brennadine: "NO YOU'RE DRUNK," she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend's mom at family dinner.
@Marlebean: P: ... M: ... P: Coal? M: I was trying to make a diamond. Proctologist: But that's not how... Me: I'm very uptight.
@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.