Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
A small tragedy.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
inventing words: clothing