I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
This is my bus stop.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD