I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”