I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
You Might Also Like
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.